I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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