My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
