I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
