So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize