I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
