Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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