i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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