I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
