I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
