can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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