Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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