Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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