I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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