you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
