I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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