I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Still dying that you shit outside
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
