You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
