Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
