can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
