my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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