Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
