Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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