I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
