How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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