there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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