There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
