it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
