I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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