Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
