You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
