good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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