that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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