and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
