Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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