Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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