I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I want her autograph on my taint
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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