Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
