Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
