You can't special order awesome
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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