oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize