new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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