I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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