I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
