when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
