i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
