He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
