my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
and you fell through a lawn chair
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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