Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
