In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
