You're my little dorito
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
