oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
