I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I want to make a zoo with you.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
