Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
