Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
