I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
