I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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