Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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