I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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