I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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