im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize