I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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