i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
